


Peridot Raises the Dead

by DemyxDancer



Series: Professionals [9]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Halloween, Humor, Peridot's Ideas About Witchcraft Come from the Internet, Zircon Has Long Ago Given Up on Personal Dignity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:20:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27310342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DemyxDancer/pseuds/DemyxDancer
Summary: In which anxious disaster lawyer Blue Zircon somehow gets roped into a seance to speak to the human dead. Yes, really.A Halloween special starring the Little Homeworld crew!
Relationships: Blue Zircon & Peridot (Steven Universe), Lapis Lazuli/Peridot (Steven Universe)
Series: Professionals [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1573660
Comments: 10
Kudos: 50





	Peridot Raises the Dead

The first time the trees had changed, Zircon was deeply disturbed by it. Of course, that was back when most things on Earth disturbed her. She had just been getting used to the presence of bright green organics everywhere, and _now_ she had to adjust to the fact that they were red and yellow and shedding everywhere? Bismuth had laughed and told her that the only constant on Earth was change. She hadn’t realized at the time that that included her.

So it was that she was gazing out her office window on a crisp fall day, taking a break from her work to admire the brilliant foliage. It was particularly colorful this year. Below the office tower, in Little Homeworld’s central square, Gems and occasional humans bustled back and forth. Blue Lace Agate was trying to rake up some of the leaves littering the walkways, but as soon as she made a pile of noticeable size, another Gem would inevitably jump in it, undoing her work. 

Near the center of town, there was an especially tight knot of activity, Gems surrounding a hastily constructed black building strewn with bright orange decorations and false gravestones. She could see Amethyst running all over the place, directing the action.

Zircon had come to appreciate many of the humans’ strange customs. The Solstice Festival, for example, was always a delight. Fright Night, on the other hand, was the one she could never understand. Amethyst, Peridot, and many other of the Little Homeworlders would get together to create a so-called “haunted house,” a place where Gems could visit to be _voluntarily_ terrified. Why anyone would ever want to do such a thing was beyond Zircon’s comprehension.

Thankfully, Peridot had not badgered her into helping this year. Yet.

“Meow?” Her beloved cat, Stormy, was sitting at her feet.

“It’s almost Fright Night, Stormy. I don’t understand it, either. It’s a completely ridiculous idea.”

“Meow!” Stormy demanded.

“You were fed precisely on time today, and you clearly still have food in your bowl,” said Zircon, failing to sound stern. “Believe it or not, I have thoroughly informed myself when it comes to the needs of small organics. If you think your demands for more food will work, I’m afraid they will go unanswered.”

Stormy pawed at her legs. “Meow!” she said, sounding as though she had not eaten in several thousand years.

Zircon made the fatal mistake of looking at her big, sad eyes. “Oh, all _right._ I suppose you do deserve a few treats. Now, where did I leave them…?”

She had just located the cat treats and administered a few to her hopelessly spoiled cat when she heard a loud knock. “Zircs! Hey, Zircs! Are you there?”

“So much for our peaceful afternoon,” said Zircon to Stormy, before opening the door and allowing Peridot to barge in.

“Zircs!” she said, vibrating with enthusiasm. “I have this great idea! You have to hear it.”

“If it’s about Fright Night, then I’m not interested. You know I hate that sort of thing.”

“It’s not!” said Peridot, her feet shifting.

Zircon raised one eyebrow.

“Oh, fine, yes, it’s about Fright Night.”

“Of course it is. Why don’t you just tell Amethyst your great idea, then? She loves Fright Night.”

“Amethyst thought my idea was stupid,” said Peridot, crossing her arms and sitting on the couch, dejected.

Zircon blinked. “ _Amethyst_ thought that your idea was stupid, and yet you somehow expect to convince _me?_ ”

Peridot opened her mouth, then closed it. “Good point. Never mind.” 

“Wait!” said Zircon, just as she went to leave. “Tell me your idea anyway.”

“Why, so you can decide it’s too dangerous and convince me not to do it?”

“Well, yes. That’s never stopped you from telling me your ideas before.”

Peridot narrowed her eyes, but she sat back down on the couch. “Fine. So you know how we spend a lot of time each year making fake ghosts for the haunted house?”

“No, because I have enough anxiety without subjecting myself to a litany of false scares.”

“So this is my great idea,” Peridot continued as though Zircon had never interjected. “We populate the haunted house with _actual_ ghosts.” She grinned.

“Actual ghosts. Ghosts, as in the metaphysical remnants of dead humans. Those ghosts?”

“Right!”

“Ghosts aren’t real,” said Zircon, pinching the bridge of her nose.

“That’s what I thought too, until I saw this awesome documentary on TV!”

“Is this like when you were convinced that _Special Vampire Unit_ was an accurate depiction of human courtroom procedure?”

“No! Of course not!” said Peridot indignantly. “ _Special Vampire Unit_ is fiction. This was a documentary. It clearly said so in the TV listings. And there was a caption on the screen that said the humans in it were real ghost hunters and not paid actors.”

“Mmhmm,” said a deeply skeptical Zircon.

“Anyway, they go to places where humans have died, and they use this special ritual to summon their ghosts back to to the plane of the living! I guess a lot of humans have ‘unfinished business.’” Peridot made air quotes. “It’s tasks that they failed to finish in life that they need to complete in order to find peace as a ghost.”

“Humans need to finish all of their work to find peace after they die? I’m certainly glad that these rules don’t apply to Gems, or I’d be working for thousands of years after being shattered.”

“I was thinking that if some humans can call up a ghost, then a Gem as brilliant as myself could easily do it as well! Then I could help them finish their business, and once I’ve done that, I could invite them to come help with the haunted house! I’m sure they’d be super grateful. What do you think?”

“No offense, Peri, but I find this entire concept difficult to believe.”

“It said it was a true story. Why would they lie about something like that?”

“I’m not sure. Perhaps the people involved simply wanted an excuse to appear on TV?”

Peridot scowled. “You really think that people would lie just to be on TV?”

“Well, I don’t know! I’m hardly an expert on human motivations.” Zircon picked up a fountain pen to fidget with as she thought. “At any rate, I’m unclear as to why you would need me to help with this plan.”

“It’s really important to have a trusted friend with you when you summon ghosts!” said Peridot, entirely seriously.

“To do what, exactly?”

“Obviously, if I summon a malevolent ghost and it possesses me, I’ll need you to perform an exorcism.”

_“What?”_

“It’s like a ritual to get rid of evil ghosts. You have to throw a thing called ‘holy water’ and yell at the ghost until it gets scared, I think.”

Zircon facepalmed. “I can certainly see why Amethyst thought this was a bad idea.”

“Oh, come on! If it works, it will be _amazing!”_

“I can see exactly two ways this will go. The most likely scenario is that none of this is real, we waste a great deal of time, and look extremely foolish. The less likely scenario apparently involves possession by malevolent ghosts. It’s difficult to see any upside to my participation in this.”

“Ugh, you don’t get it. We’d help out some dead humans _and_ make the haunted house the best ever.”

Zircon shook her head. “While I am flattered you’d trust me with this… undertaking… I’m afraid I have to refuse.”

“I figured,” said Peridot, dejected. “You’re not even going to try to stop me?”

“I don’t believe ghosts are actually real,” said Zircon, taking off her glasses and polishing them. “Therefore, in a surprising turn of events, there’s nothing for me to actually worry about.”

“When I catch a ghost, I’m going to bring it straight back here to haunt you, Zircs. Then we’ll see who’s right.” She stormed out the door, and was no more than three steps away when she poked her head in again. “You’re sure you don’t wanna come? You don’t have to do an exorcism if you don’t want to.”

Zircon almost relented, but she really did not want to encourage this kind of thing. “Quite sure. Good luck on your endeavor.”

This time, Peridot actually left. Zircon looked down at Stormy, who, having received treats, was now curled up contentedly in a sunbeam. “Ghosts aren’t real, Stormy. I’m very sure of it. So there’s no way Peri can actually harm herself.”

She fidgeted nervously.

She picked up her phone.

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** Hello, Connie. I hope you’re doing well. I have a bit of a ridiculous question, if you don’t mind indulging it.

 **MorphWitchConnie:** Hi Zircs! Sure, what is it?

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** I feel insane even typing this, but… human ghosts certainly aren’t real, correct?

 **MorphWitchConnie:** No, ghosts definitely aren’t real.

 **MorphWitchConnie:** That sounds like a Peridot question. Is she scared of ghosts?

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** Quite the opposite, as a matter of fact. She seems to have gotten it into her head that she can summon ghosts and help them complete their unfinished business.

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** I merely wanted to verify that she can’t actually hurt herself doing this.

 **MorphWitchConnie:** Haha, probably not!

 **MorphWitchConnie:** I was kind of into that stuff too for a while, after I read some books about a witch school. I even tried talking to the dead with a Ouija board.

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** What happened?

 **MorphWitchConnie:** Nothing. It didn’t work, because ghosts aren’t real.

 **MorphWitchConnie:** And then my mom found out and confiscated my stuff and I got a huge lecture on knowing the difference between fantasy and reality and the scientific method.

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** Well, that’s a relief. I suppose there’s nothing to worry about, then. No more than the usual, anyway.

 **MorphWitchConnie:** Nope!

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** How have your college applications been going?

 **MorphWitchConnie:** ...can we go back to talking about ghosts?

* * *

Zircon returned from her meeting on Homeworld, deep in thought about her latest case. The witnesses’ testimonies were _likely_ to be enough to sway the Diamonds to her side, but she’d feel much better about her chances if she could produce some evidence that --

“HEY!”

Zircon shrieked so loudly that everyone in the square turned to look at her. All of the holographic screens surrounding her went falling to the ground at once. Behind her, there was a familiar raucous laugh.

“Amethyst!” Zircon scolded, trying to regain her composure. “Was that necessary?”

“It’s almost Fright Night, Z! Gotta be on your guard!” Amethyst looked far too pleased with herself.

“If you ask me, Fright Night should be strictly opt-in.” Zircon gathered her screens off the ground. “Now if you don’t mind, I do have work to attend to.”

“Wait! I actually did want to ask you something. Have you seen Peridot?”

“No, I haven’t,” said Zircon with mild concern. “The last I spoke to her, she had a frankly ridiculous plan to speak with the human dead.”

“Oh, geez, she’s still trying to do that? She was supposed to be helping me rig up the effects in the haunted house. She hasn’t been around and she’s not answering her messages, either.”

Zircon pushed her glasses up on her nose. “I suppose we really should check up on her, then.”

Amethyst nodded and pounded her hand with her fist. “Yeah! I’ll have to drag her back here to help. She did promise.” They started heading off in the direction of Peridot’s greenhouse and “secret” underground lair. “So why do you hate Fright Night so much, anyway?”

“I think you know very well why.”

“I dunno. You’re always scared of all kinds of things. Wouldn’t it be fun to have some fake scares for a change?”

Zircon narrowed her eyes. “I don’t see how that follows at all.”

“There’s other things about Fright Night that are fun. There’s candy!”

“I can’t eat.”

Amethyst shapeshifted into a cat. “There’s costumes!”

“I can’t shapeshift.”

“You don’t need to shapeshift to wear a costume! I bet we could find something for ya.”

“I’ll pass, thanks.”

“There’s, uh…” Amethyst turned back into her usual form. “There’s participating in human traditions! You like that.”

“There are many more pleasant opportunities to participate in human traditions. The Winter Solstice, for example. Lovely decorations, gift giving, and absolutely _no_ Gems jumping out and frightening you.”

“Eh, that last one could be changed!” Amethyst pushed open the door to the greenhouse. There were plant cuttings strewn about, but otherwise everything looked normal, with no sign of Peridot.

Zircon pushed the passcode into the keypad on the back wall. “I suspect that the only reason you want me to participate in Fright Night is so that you have ample opportunities to scare the glasses off me.”

“Maaaaaaybe.” 

They rode the elevator down to Peridot’s lair. Amethyst pounded on the door at the end of the hallway. “Hey, P-dot! You in there? You’re supposed to be helping me out!”

The door slid open. Zircon squinted, trying to look inside. It was dark, except for the light from many thick, flickering candles. She could just barely make out that most of the work tables had been pushed to the side in order to create an open space on the floor.

Peridot stepped out of the shadows. “Welcome, mundanes,” she said dramatically. “I’m so glad you came to join me!”

“Oh my stars.” Zircon’s jaw dropped.

“Ahahahaha!” Amethyst was laughing hysterically. “What are you _wearing?”_

“You look like a guest star on _Special Vampire Unit._ ”

Peridot was wearing a black dress that was too long for her, pooling onto the floor at her feet. A pointy black hat sat on top of her pointy hair, and the area around her eyes was smeared with some kind of black substance. She crossed her arms and glared at them. “You only laugh because you don’t understand! But you will. I’ll show you. Come on.” She turned away, tripping over her dress.

As Zircon stepped into the lair and her eyes adjusted to the candlelight, she could see that the space on the floor had a large circle made of some white substance. It was surrounded by more candles, some excessively large books, and a burlap sack. A tiny blue flower bulb with legs came running up to her, bouncing on top of her feet. There was a little pointy hat attached to the side of his bulb. “Hello, Percy,” she said, scooping him up gently. He cooed and nuzzled into her hands. “I regret to inform you that your mother’s gone insane.”

“He’s my familiar! Cats are more traditional, but _someone_ didn’t want to help.”

Amethyst had picked up one of the books. “What’s this for?”

“You _need_ large, old books to perform magic rituals. I wouldn’t expect you to understand.”

Amethyst peered at the cover. “Intro to Biology? What’s that got to do with magic?”

“Those were the oldest books I could find! Quit touching my stuff and sit down at the edge of the circle. We’re going to do a seance.”

“What is this, anyway?” Amethyst asked, dipping her fingers in the white powder and sticking it in her mouth. “Is this salt?”

“Salt is for warding off evil spirits!”

“Where did you even read all of this?” said Zircon.

“On the internet!” Peridot yelped as Amethyst licked a large portion of the salt circle off of the floor. “Amethyst! You’re breaking the circle of protection!”

“It’s not my fault the circle of protection tastes good.”

Peridot put her hands on her hips. “You two need to start taking this seriously if we’re actually going to summon a ghost.”

“If you’ll recall our earlier conversation, Peri, I wanted no part of this,” said Zircon.

“It is kinda dumb, P,” said Amethyst, salt sticking to her face.

“C’mon, you have to help! The seance will work better with more people here. And I might need help fulfilling the spirit’s unfinished business. Please?”

Zircon looked at Peridot in her sagging black dress, trying to restore the salt circle. Once again, she found herself required to choose between Peridot’s friendship and her own dignity.

“Fine,” she said, sighing and sitting down next to the circle. “Let’s get this over with.”

Amethyst looked at her, surprised. “You don’t think ghosts are real, do you, Z?”

“Of course not! But it’s abundantly clear that Peri isn’t going to drop this idea until she tries it.”

“I’m right here, you know,” said Peridot. “C’mon, Amethyst, sit down. And don’t lick up the salt again!”

“Whatever,” said Amethyst, grinning. “Let’s do this thing, I guess.”

Peridot sat down at the circle, so that the three of them formed a rough triangle. Percy jumped in her lap, cooing softly. She picked up a thin stick from the floor and lit the end of it on one of her candles, waving it around. 

The pungent scent made their faces screw up in disgust. “What in the stars _is_ that?” asked Zircon.

“It’s incense! It’s another important part of the ritual,” she said, tears welling up in her eyes.

“Is magic supposed to smell gross?” asked Amethyst.

“Yes! Now hush! I need to perform the incantation!” She stared intently at her hand, where she had written something. 

“P-dot --”

“Hold on, hold on, I have it!” She moved her hand closer to one of the candles so that she could read it. “Spirits!” she called out as loudly and dramatically as she could muster. “I call to you from the world of the living! Let my voice carry beyond the grave! Hear my pleas!”

Zircon and Amethyst looked at each other skeptically.

“No negative energy!” Peridot scolded. “They won’t show up if you guys don’t believe in them!” She returned to her dramatic voice, checking the words on her hand again. “Spirits! I beseech you, spirits! Come forth, so that we may help you complete your unfinished business and you may pass beyond the veil!”

“The veil?” Zircon asked.

“Shush! Arise, spirits! Spirits, arise! Arise, spirits!” She looked at Zircon. “C’mon, say it!”

“Really?” Zircon sighed deeply. “Arise, spirits. Spirits, arise,” she said, absolutely deadpan.

“Hey, yo, spirits!” Amethyst yelled out. “Are you there? Arise or whatever!”

“Arise, spirits! Speak to us!” Peridot called.

“Wait, do you hear something?” said Amethyst.

“Amethyst, honestly, you’re not fooling anyone,” said Zircon.

“No, really!”

“I hear it too!” said Peridot, excited. “Spirits, I beseech you! Speak to us!”

“Peri, you’re just imagining --” Zircon was cut off by a loud, unmistakable moaning noise. She nearly lept out of her suit. “Amethyst, that isn’t funny!”

“That wasn’t me!” Amethyst looked genuinely rattled.

“It’s a ghost!” Peridot was grinning in excited glee. “Show yourself!”

The low, moaning noise reverberated around the room. This time, Zircon was looking at Amethyst, and she certainly didn’t _seem_ to be the source of the noise. A chill ran through her. “What is making that sound?”

“A ghost!” Peridot insisted.

“Peri, there is _no way_ it’s a ghost. Ghosts aren’t real!” she said, significantly less confident in this fact than she had been a few minutes earlier.

One of the candles on the table sputtered and went out, followed by another, and another. “This is _freaky,”_ said Amethyst. “Awesome! I’ve got to use this in my haunted house.”

“Spirit! Reveal yourself! What is your unfinished business?” said Peridot, waving her incense high above her head.

In the gloom and the dying light, a stuffed zombie lifted up from the nearby hammock and flew over their heads. Zircon shrieked and covered her head, cowering, as the stuffed toy was followed by several volumes of manga and a barrage of paintbrushes. Peridot and Amethyst shrieked in delight as Zircon whimpered. She lifted her head from behind her hands just enough to see something sparkling faintly in the candlelight as the stuffed zombie flew right towards her, brushing her shoulder.

Her shoulder was wet.

Several of the candles lifted off of the tables and began to spin. 

Why was her shoulder _wet?_

“Spirit! That’s a really cool trick,” said Peridot, “but I need to know your unfinished business! And then you can help out in our haunted house! It’ll be fun!”

Zircon mustered up her courage enough to take a closer look at the circling tables. There was unmistakably something sparkling lifting them up. Water.

“Lapis?”

“What? Lapis isn’t here,” said Peridot, confused.

Now that Zircon knew what she was looking for, she could clearly see the thin streams of water levitating the objects around the lair. “This is Lapis!”

“No, it’s a ghost!”

Zircon stood up and pointed to the water ring underneath the spinning candles. “Look! This is _water._ Lapis, I know you’re the one doing this!”

Amethyst caught the stuffed zombie as it flew past. It was soaking wet. “Haha, it totally is Lapis!”

The objects stopped flying around. The ring of candles slowly lowered back onto the tables. “Lapis?” said Peridot.

“Sorry, Peri,” said Lapis, emerging from under a table in the corner where she kept her art supplies. “I knew how excited you were about this whole ghost thing, and I thought I’d have a little fun. I _was_ going to tell you, but _someone_ had to ruin it.” She rolled her eyes at Zircon.

“Well, it obviously had to be some kind of a trick, because ghosts aren’t real!” said Zircon.

“First off, I totally had you going. Second, you could have just gone along with it and let Peri enjoy herself.”

“I suppose,” Zircon conceded. “Sorry for spoiling your fun.”

“But I _did_ have fun!” said Peridot. “That was so awesome! Lapis, you’ve gotta help out with the haunted house effects!”

“Really?” she said.

“Uh, yeah, duh,” said Amethyst. “That is _way_ more convincing than the fog machine and fake ghosts we’re using now. This is gonna be the best haunted house ever!”

“You really think so?” said Lapis, smiling. “Sure, I can help, then.”

“Yeah!” Peridot jumped in the air and hugged Lapis, any disappointment about her failed seance already forgotten.

Zircon collapsed onto a stool. “Well, I’m certainly glad _that’s_ over with.”

“See, Zircs,” said Amethyst. “That’s why fake scares are fun!”

“ _That’s_ why fake scares are fun? So you can be relieved when they turn out to be fake?”

“Well, yeah, kinda! You get all the excitement, and then you get to laugh about it!”

“That…” Zircon mulled this over. “That actually does make some sense, oddly enough.”

“Great! Come help with the haunted house!” said Peridot.

“Oh, I don’t think so. What would I even do?”

“Well, I know we’re expecting a big gang of middle caste Gems to show up. You have personal experience. What do you think would scare them?”

“Hmmm… well, I know what would scare _me.”_

* * *

Bright red leaves blew on the crisp fall wind as Gems and humans adorned in costumes gathered in small groups in the center of Little Homeworld. The greatest hits of Sadie Killer and the Suspects were playing over the PAs, and the square was lined with little booths offering all sorts of festive candy and baked goods. At Amethyst’s insistence, Garnet was set up inside a fortune telling booth, terrifying everyone with her predictions of how they could possibly die.

The centerpiece of the festival, of course, was the haunted house. Amethyst, dressed like a vampire with a cape and shapeshifted fangs, was beckoning Gems inside as they passed.

Inside, Zircon and Peridot were hanging out in a backstage area, waiting for another group to pass through. Stormy was curled up on top of a speaker playing low ghostly noises, adorned in a sparkly red cape and horns, which she had only tried to chew off twice.

The sound of rushing water and screams indicated that the next group was nearby. “Lapis is so good at this,” said Peridot, eyes shining with pride.

“She most certainly is. I feel like we’re a hard act to follow.”

“Nah, we got this. I thought that one Ruby was going to shatter on the spot.”

Right on cue, a pair of nervous looking Jades entered the room. Zircon could see them from behind a thin curtain which hid her and Peridot. Peridot flipped a switch, turning a bright yellow spotlight onto the Jades, while simultaneously lighting up a Yellow Diamond puppet seated upon an enormous yellow throne. The Jades screamed and clung to each other.

“Jades!” Peridot bellowed through a megaphone, doing her best Yellow impression. “You have been judged inferior and now you will be sentenced!”

Zircon flipped her switch, revealing a Blue Diamond puppet. “We have no choice but to sentence you to… immediate shattering!” 

“Aaaaaah! No!” the Jades screamed. A trap door opened up underneath them, sending them down a slide and into a room crewed by a squad of Quartzes.

“Ahahaha! Awesome!” said Peridot, wiping tears of laughter out of her eyes.

“I have to admit, this is rather fun,” said Zircon.

“I’m glad my seance didn’t work. This is way better than some boring human ghost would have been. Thanks again for helping, Zircs.”

“My pleasure. And thank you for being patient with my Fright Night skepticism.”

“I guess it turns out that the real spirit of Fright Night was the friends we made along the way,” said Peridot.

Zircon blinked, confused. “What does _that_ mean?”

“...I have no idea.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading this tale of Halloween silliness.


End file.
